The Importance of Safe Words in BDSM

July 16, 2020 7:21 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

Experimenting with BDSM gives you the opportunity to try a lot of kinky or taboo sex acts and power dynamics—but when you’re trying something that involves giving up control to another person, having a safe word is a must. Safe words are the “red light” of sex: if you or your partner utter your safe word, it means you must stop whatever you’re doing immediately.

What a safe word accomplishes

A safe word is usually a word you’d never say during sex—think “marshmallow” instead of “stop.” The idea is that each partner, especially the submissive partner, has an absolute out no matter what you’re doing. That is, even if your partner is tied up and relatively helpless, they can tell you to stop all they want—but if they utter the safe word, you know they’re serious.

Safe words are important to help both (or all) of you feel comfortable with the acts and scene you’re engaging in. It’s very easy to get lost in the moment and think that your partner is just pretending not to enjoy what you’re doing, especially if it feels good to you. The submissive partner especially knows, if things get too uncomfortable or out of control, that you will stop, which allows them to let go and be immersed in the experience. Feeling safe is a crucial component of exploring BDSM.

How to bring up BDSM safe words with your partner

Granted, this can be an awkward conversation, especially if you’re new to BDSM. However, this is an important part of setting boundaries and making sure that you have full consent at all times. (Remember, consent can be revoked at any point, even if you’re deep into an encounter—and you must stop when your partner revokes their consent.)

Before anyone removes their clothing, sit down with your partner and tell them that you’d like to pick a safe word. If they’re not familiar with the concept, explain to them and make sure they understand how it works: you can say anything you want and they can keep going, but if you yell “marshmallow,” everything has to stop immediately. (Your partner’s reaction to this may be telling. If they’re not on board, you’re not obligated to explore BDSM with them.)

Picking a safe word might feel silly, so you might come prepared with some words that you want to use. Some people use the submissive’s full name, while others pick random words or names of famous people or characters who would be an instant turn-off.

If you’re acting out scenes with someone you don’t know very well or are only casually dating, make sure you negotiate the safe word before sex, every single time. It’s also a reminder to set the rest of the ground rules, so that everyone can have some good dirty fun.

Looking for a place to live out your BDSM fantasies? Book your visit at Monterey Stay and Play by reaching out to us today. We look forward to welcoming you!

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