A Guide to Navigating BDSM as a Beginner

Navigating BDSM as a beginner can be intimidating. Do you need to go buy out the toy section of your favorite adult store before you can begin? Are there rules, community norms or something else you must follow, or can you forge your own path?

As always, your exploration is up to you—which means that when you’re navigating BDSM in the beginning, you should take it as slow as you like. Finding out what you like (and what you really, really don’t) is an individual discovery. Here’s how to take the plunge as a BDSM beginner.

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. This is an umbrella term for a wide variety of different practices. Anything from using handcuffs to spanking your partner could be considered BDSM, and in many cases, things get a lot kinkier.

Typically, one partner is dominant while the other is submissive—there’s almost always an element of power and control in BDSM practices. You might choose one “permanent” role, depending on your preferences, or switch off if that’s more comfortable for you.

Remember that although BDSM communities exist, you’re not required to be part of one. Nor do you need to make it part of your regular sex life, let alone your general lifestyle. If you’d prefer to dress up as a dominatrix once a month when the kids are asleep, no one will tell you that you’re doing it wrong.

How to get started

The biggest key to BDSM is communication. If you’re getting ready to explore this with your partner, it’s important that you’re able to talk to them openly and honestly about what you prefer, what you don’t and what you’re willing to try. There are even websites that will allow each partner to fill out a list of their preferences, then show you where you overlap.

When you get ready to explore your fantasies, remember that not all of them will translate well to real life. Bondage can leave rope burns, spanking might leave bruises and you might find out that your partner calling you sexual names makes you cry in a bad way. That’s okay—as long as you can communicate your needs and preferences. Your partner will ideally be on the same page. That is, they understand some fantasies aren’t always going to work, and will be willing to stop when you need to.

Speaking of hard stops, make sure you establish a safe word. Before you go out to purchase your kinky toys and costumes, you need a way to set firm boundaries about when to stop. Pick a phrase that you’ll never use in your sex life, like “trade paperback edition” or “hip abductors.” When one of you says the safe word, all activity should immediately stop.

When you have these baselines established, the world is your sexy oyster and navigating BDSM seems much less intimidating. Watch films, read books and find more how-to guides to amp up your sex life—then book a stay at the Monterey Stay & Play for more fun!

Categorised in: BDSM

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