The Importance of Communication and Consent

September 25, 2020 11:00 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

The single most important factor in BDSM is consent—and the best way to get enthusiastic and informed consent is to communicate with your partner. Communication before and after a scene is the key to having a safe, fun and consensual BDSM experience, however that may play out. It might seem awkward or embarrassing at first, especially if you’re new to kink, but it’s the only way to make sure everyone is on the same page and is enjoying the experience. The more you do it, the easier it will become.

Communicating about boundaries

Before the clothes come off, sit down with your partner and talk to them about hard limits. Some people love biting but hate being spanked, for example, while others have difficulty with certain sex acts. This requires you to do some serious self-reflection and consider what you like, don’t like, are willing to try and to what extent.

Of course, sometimes you don’t know whether you like something until it happens—which is why having a safe word is important. You should mutually agree on a safe word before engaging in a scene—some partners like to have one to indicate “slow down” and one to indicate that everything should stop immediately.

Communication might sound like, “I like it when you cuff my wrists, but it’s not enjoyable when you hold them over my head,” or “I don’t want to inflict pain but I enjoy restraining you.” This also helps you learn whether a new partner is compatible, before you decide to continue the sexual relationship.

Remember, you can always change your mind later—and a good partner will be perfectly okay with that, as long as you both use your words to keep each other apprised of your feelings.

Communicating after a scene

We recommend setting boundaries before a scene as well as talking about it afterwards. This is part of aftercare, and it can help you process complex emotions or physical feelings. It’s also a good way to check in and find out what worked, what didn’t and what you might want to repeat.

The importance of consent in BDSM

As society progresses, we have been having a lot of national conversations about informed and enthusiastic consent, and what that looks like in practice. Many people were taught that getting consent for anything from a kiss to sex is not sexy and ruins the mood—but when you’re engaging in intense kink, that consent is paramount. Safe words are one aspect of consent in BDSM—they allow you to notify your partner that you no longer agree to what’s happening and want to stop.

To proactively get consent—even if it feels awkward—you should communicate about sex and what you’d like to do ahead of time, then respect the safe word if it’s used. That way you can lose yourself in the moment, worry-free.

To explore your consensual BDSM fantasies in a safe and comfortable environment, visit the Monterey Stay and Play. Reach out to us to learn more or book your visit.

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