Understanding and Setting BDSM Limits

Whether you’re new to BDSM or an avid aficionado, you need to learn how to set limits. Setting limits in BDSM is not only a way to protect yourself, but you’ll protect your relationship, too. You don’t have to draw up an official “contract,” like you might have seen in 50 Shades of Grey, although some people do. However you put them out there, setting BDSM limits is important.

Hard vs. soft limits

The goal of having limits is to ensure that the submissive knows they can safely explore their desires, while the dominant partner knows where they can experiment and where they need to stop.

To that end, you should draw up a list of hard versus soft limits. “Hard” limits are the absolute “no thank you” sexual acts. These vary by couple, of course—some people draw the line at drawing blood, while others don’t want to be degraded or be subject to impact play.

“Soft” limits are those where the submissive isn’t sure about whether they’ll enjoy something. For example, if impact play is a soft limit, a dom can introduce it gently. They might try spanking the sub at first, while carefully watching for cues as to whether their partner is enjoying it. Of course, if it doesn’t live up to expectations, the sub should say the safe word and all activity should stop immediately. However, if they enjoy the soft limit being pushed, it can be fun for all parties involved.

Can doms have limits, too?

Yes, dominant partners can have BDSM limits of their own. After all, you might not want to inflict pain on your partner, or certain words and kinks might not be your thing. While the dom generally doesn’t have to say the safe word (since they’re in control), they might want to say it just because it gets the “I’m uncomfortable and I want this to stop” message across.

When and how to set limits

Again, the key is healthy communicating with your partner. Setting BDSM limits is something you should do before you start a scene, each and every time. If you’ve been together a while, it could be as simple as saying, “So, the usual limits?” and receiving an affirmative answer. However, both partners should be comfortable saying something like, “I’m not comfortable with bondage today,” and expect their preferences will be respected.

If you’re new to negotiating limits, you can use services like Mojo Upgrade to get a sense of where you two match, where you differ and where there’s room for debate. Alternatively, you can make physical lists of “yes,” “probably not” and “never gonna happen.”

However you decide to set limits, the only important thing is that you do it. It’s a sign of respect for your partner and yourself—and once you get used to it, it will be easy.

When you’re ready to explore your BDSM fantasies (and discover your limits), book a visit to the Monterey Stay and Play. Reach out today to learn more!

Categorised in: BDSM

This post was written by Writer