A Guide to Being a Dominant

September 30, 2021 3:22 pm Published by Leave your thoughts

Whether you’ve always wanted to be sexually dominant or you’re starting to explore your fantasies, there’s no single way to be a dominant. Every dom has a different style, but there are some major guidelines to adhere to and red flags to avoid. If you want to establish long-lasting BDSM relationships with submissive partners, you’ll need to put in the work first. Put down the pop culture depictions of BDSM and read on.

What is a dom?

Doms come in a lot of different varieties, but good ones have several qualities in common. First, they’re respectful and patient—not aggressive and overly sexual. They enjoy leading (and dictating) what happens in the bedroom, and sometimes what happens outside of it. Above all, they negotiate and respect their submissive partner. If someone claims to be a dom, but does not make the effort to earn your trust or respect your boundaries, they are not a true practitioner—they’re an abuser.

Where doms differ is largely a matter of preference and identity. They can be male, female (dommes) or non-binary. They might enjoy kink like impact play and restraints, or they may prefer to take charge with words only. They may not even wish to engage in sexual activity. Ultimately, BDSM is a matter of roleplaying. How far you go is up to you, and it should be decided ahead of time, every time you two interact in a scene.

Think of being a dom as being an extension of your naturally confident personality. It’s not for people who want a sexually, mentally and emotionally submissive partner who does nothing but serve them. In fact, many practitioners argue that being a dom is more work—you have to care for your submissive just as much as yourself.

How to be a good dom

Here are some tips on how to be a good dominant partner to your submissive:

  • Research: First, research BDSM. Look for trustworthy websites, books and other sources to help you learn the lingo and psychology of submission. There are many, many different flavors of doms, so what works for one person may not work for another. Stay away from sensationalized media depictions, like 50 Shades of Grey—real aficionados don’t interact in the same way.
  • Decide what you want: Once you’ve done enough research, you’ll probably have a good idea of what you like, what you might like and what you absolutely want to avoid. This is a good basis for talking to your partner about boundaries.
  • Talk to your partner: Next, you’ll need to talk to your partner about your goals. If they’re game, you can give it a try. Start slowly and remember to respect their needs. As time goes on, it will be easier to communicate both of your desires.
  • Be ready to nurture your partner: BDSM can bring up a lot of emotions and insecurities. Be ready to reassure and nurture your partner through anything that comes up, even if it interrupts your activities.

Explore your fantasies when you book a retreat at the Monterey Stay & Play today.

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