The Difference Between Real and Fake Dominants

BDSM requires a lot of trust and vulnerability. If you’re not practicing the lifestyle within an already-committed relationship, you might be on the lookout for a dominant partner. Unfortunately, not all doms are created equal. Some people (usually but not exclusively men) claim they’re doms—but they don’t adhere to the consent, trust and boundary practices that make BDSM a safe and fulfilling experience for practitioners. Here’s how to tell the difference between real and fake dominants, so you can spot a fake a mile away.

Real dominants

A real dom is committed to the safety practices in BDSM as much as they enjoy rough sex and control games. They’ll be happy to talk to you about consent, boundaries, safe words, what’s going to happen in a scene and your concerns—before any of the clothes come off.

Real dominant partners are supportive, respectful and patient. They know that submissives give up power and control at potentially great cost to their emotional and physical wellbeing, so they’ll work with you to establish appropriate boundaries and earn trust. They’re confident—not demanding or aggressive.

Fake dominants

Fake dominants are usually attracted to BDSM because they have a warped perception of what it entails. Whether they got the idea from porn or hearing other people talk about it, a fake dom is, in a word, entitled. They may not feel obligated to negotiate boundaries and secure consent ahead of time. They may immediately assume that any submissive is interested in them, and demand respect and obedience before they’ve earned it. You might notice them overcompensating—both as dominant partners and in their regular lives—which is a sign that they’re not operating from a place of respectful confidence.

When in a BDSM relationship with a fake dom (or when you’re trying to negotiate beforehand), you might notice that they are overly sexually aggressive. They might be aggressive in other ways, too, such as belittling or humiliating you without your consent. They may believe that BDSM is solely about sex, and that a submissive partner is simply there to shut up and provide sex on demand.

Another potential warning sign is polyamory. There are plenty of healthy, supportive polyamorous BDSM relationships out there—but if your potential dom seems like they’re only into it so they can have multiple subs, rather than negotiating a caring relationship with each partner, consider it a red flag.

In short, use your common sense and trust your gut when it comes to spotting fake dominants. Anyone who seems more interested in the sex, money or maid services (and not in a fun way) you can provide, rather than establishing a consensual relationship with you, should be avoided. Even BDSM relationships are based on mutual trust and affection—it’s just that one partner might not be able to say so with a gag in their mouth.

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Categorised in: Dominance

This post was written by Writer